Thursday, 30 October 2008

Autumnwatch


I am not normally an aficionado of natural history programmes on the moving television screen; if one wants wildlife, one only has to spend one's life in the Church of England and for nature red in tooth and claw, an English Cathedral. No matter. I am not, in point of fact, normally a viewer of very much the telly has to offer (largely because it has so little). But one can't paper walls forever, one has to wait for paint to dry and in so doing this week I have become rather taken by this programme. This has been helped, no doubt, by watching it in conditions not unlike those endured by the presenters seated by their braziers or else being buffeted by North Sea gales. All the windows of my flat have been wide open (decorating fumes are terribly bad for singing) and thus, the heating has been turned off (I'm not paying to heat the Precentor's patio!) and the lights, too, as a money-saving measure. More of that anon. But I cannot let this week's revelations pass without drawing to your attention the small matter of the deer rut. For the programme has proved beyond reasonable doubt that success in, ahem, the small matter of what gentleman and women (or gentle deers and does) get up to in the privacy of their conjugal terrain (that is, when not under the intrusive gaze of Simon King!) is due not to the size of antler (or the size of whatever the equivalent in human terms might be) or strength and fearsomeness in battle, not even on physical appearance or prowess. No. Success 'with the ladies' is attributed to none of this. At least not among the fallow deer. No. What lady deers admire, what makes them prick up their furry little ears, what turns their delicate heads and positively gets them queueing up for the attentions of a stag is... the man's voice. Yes. The sound he makes. And the deeper, the better. Personally, I've always found it rather strange that opera composers cast the male lead as a tenor, a fact no doubt attributable to the fact that so many of them must be homosexual. Now we know, thanks to the BBC, that deeper is definitely better. And I shall now lose no time in apprising dear Felicia of the fact. In person. Toodle-pip!

13 comments:

auntiegwen said...

Off topic on your blog but on topic on mine...

My dearest Vicar, Christmas only starts on 25th December if you are a married man, for us mere mortals ie mummies, Christmas presents have to be bought and wrapped, cards have to be written and posted, festive food has to be bought, prepared and cooked, trees have to be bought and decorated, houses have to be cleaned and adorned so, my dearest Vicar, Christmas for me cannot start on Dec 25th as my children would be extremely disappointed as there would be no Christmas if I waited till 25th of the 12th !!!

I apologize for any upset caused but Pollyanna retired today and was replaced by the grumpy old bag formerly known as auntiegwen, hopefully normal service will be resumed asap x

Kevin Musgrove said...

Surely the fumes from gloss-painting a few window frames would only enhance your chances? The resulting apparently-croaky tones are, in fact, nascent infrasounds too low for the human ear but picked up big time by the glands.

That's what I used to tell the ladies when I used to try to sing, anyway.

Suburbia said...

I must agree with the dear dears, that a sexy voice is a very attractive attribute!

susan s. said...

The Tenor wows them, but the Baritone takes them home!

Gadjo Dilo said...

Ah, an informative, nay instructive post. You're right: my best schoolfriend's mother was an elocution teacher and so he effortlessly acquired a deep sonorous voice and plenty of attention from the girls, whereas I sounded like Kenneth Williams on helium and so kept sensibly quiet. My voice has now deepened to tenor so I can at last attract something, albeit only stray dogs. I see that Felicia is still in the picture - do keep us informed!

Brother Tobias said...

Ah, but do women do as a doe does or does do?

Barry Teeth, Beet Poet said...

I saw that one too CB1. What you forget to mention is that the booming stag in question kept up his bellowing non-stop for 24 hours and mounted every single lady-deer in the area. Surely Felicia would be jealous, and you'd run out of Strepsils?

Z said...

It works the other way too. Some years ago, I had a little local problem with my vocal cords and developed a deep and husky voice. I received a startling amount of admiring male attention. Foolishly, I accepted medical advice and an operation and reverted to my usual insignificance.

Lucy Fishwife said...

Your deep-voice theory works on cats and babies as well - apparently high-pitched voices set their teeth (or gums) on edge. However, it fails to take into account the inexplicable popularity of Demis Roussos (qv "Abigail's Party")....

Oriscus said...

ahem.

Bryn Terfel.

Thine own petard?

East Anglian Troy said...

I think that should read "gentlemen" rather than gentleman - unless he's a very lucky guy.

Of course if you go back in and edit it then this will seem a very strange, meaningless comment.

Working mum said...

I saw that Autumnwatch and commented to my husband about it being the voice that was the attraction.

In fact, last night I sang in an Opera Gala at the Bridgewater Hall and although the tenor sang a beautiful rendition of the Flower Song from Carmen, it was the Baritone's voice that stole the show. So much for tenors getting the girls!

having my cake said...

*Nods furiously in agreement with auntiegwen*

Sure, baritones are nice, especially if gravelly but I firmly believe that it is the words that count, not the pitch at which they are delivered.